Tonight I Held You

Tonight was one of those nights in parenting where I wanted to shame myself for making my son independent. (Doesn’t that sound ridiculous?)

For months now, my son has gotten used to putting himself to sleep. He barely even fusses anymore; it’s bedtime story, kisses and I love yous, then I place him in his crib and he soon falls asleep. It’s easy. He has gotten accustomed to feeling safe in his crib and even better for me: he doesn’t need to be held or rocked to go to sleep. Everybody wins.

I was so happy and proud when he reached this amazing milestone. I mean, I listened to people tell me that our son should be doing this, and while I believed it as well, it didn’t really affect me until tonight.

I’m not even sure where this came from but I’ve been becoming emotional lately knowing that Beaux is turning 1 in two months. Honestly, I blinked and we are here. So that is what possibly set off my crazy mama hormones. With that being said, tonight was like every other normal night.

I placed Beaux in his crib, turned on the night time bumblebee, said I Love You one more time, and walked out of his room. He fussed for all of possibly ten seconds, and then nothing. Meanwhile, I walk into the living room and I hear children talking outside. Of course I look out the window, and I see two toddlers running down the sidewalk ahead of their parents. They were laughing and just then my heart shattered. It shattered because those two little boys, whom seem much older than my son but in reality, they may be older by two or three years. Two or three years. Even though Beaux can’t walk yet or much less run, that will be him soon. I felt my stomach churn and I headed for his room. I thought about it before I walked in, yet I did it anyway. Beaux wasn’t sleeping yet. Instead, he was in a different position where I left him; on his back and playing with his blanket. He just looked at me…I could tell he was a little confused, like, why are you back in here, ma?  And then he smiled at me. My heart melted and I scooped him right up. I held him and laid down with him. He placed his head on my chest, the place he never falls asleep anymore, but a short time ago, it was the only place where he could fall asleep. I just held him and cried. I cried because I miss him being itty-bitty and needy. I cried because tonight, I really wanted those few mintues to myself, but then I felt guilty because my son knowing that I love him, is way more important.

So, tonight I held you.

When other parents say that parenthood is bittersweet, I surely discovered that feeling tonight. I want Beaux to grow. I want him to learn, explore, be independent. I love seeing how he’s changing and getting smarter every day, but it stings. I know he will still need me for quite some time, but my heart breaks thinking about the day when he’s all grown and old enough to take care of himself. I always knew my son would need me, but I never knew how much I would need my son.

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