My First Born: I’m Sorry That It’s Hard

There are things in life that you can never really be prepared for. In this blog post, I talk about exactly that…..

We now have a full-blown toddler in the house.

I wasn’t prepared for this shit.

 My oldest has always been sweet, shy, and very sensitive. I feel like he has an old soul. He is kind and caring. So when our very sweet little boy woke up one morning and decided to turn the game plan around on us, well, it was hard.

I say it was hard because it takes the patience of 20 people to deal with that of a toddler. You constantly have to keep them entertained so they don’t get too bored and burn the house down. And you have to deal with the random outbursts and constant tantrums because they don’t want mac and cheese for lunch {but now they DO want mac and cheese for lunch}, and deal with the behavioral problems like biting and kicking. It’s also extremely frustrating because these tiny people can’t quite express their emotions…. it’s all new to them! They also can’t verbally communicate that well yet, so telling you what they need/want becomes a challenge. And then there’s the sudden want of independence….toddlers just want to do EVERYTHING on their own.. and THEIR way. I won’t say that it’s necessarily a bad thing…but you try being in a hurry to get out the door and your toddler INSISTS on putting on his own jacket, socks and shoes. 🙂 …

It’s damn near exhausting. I’m exhausted.

So Beaux, I am writing this right now to tell you: I’m sorry it’s so hard.

I’m sorry that this is hard on you, but here is a secret: it is hard on me, too.

You are my first child so obviously I am experiencing all of this first-hand with you. I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing because believe it or not, they didn’t give me a how-to manual the day we brought you home.  Everything leading up to now has been fairly easy. You were a wonderful sleeper, eater, not too fussy, decent traveler, easy to entertain….yeah, it was okay! But my love, I’m afraid that the game-plan has been turned around and now all those things I listed are the opposite, and this has made me pretty darn tired.

I’m so tired that some mornings when you wake up at 5:30 AM and your brother is still sleeping, I give you the iPad so you can be entertained and so that I could catch a maybe 30-minute nap. And on the days where I’m out of all the ideas on how to keep you amused, I turn on Daniel Tiger or Minions so I could get some quick 20-minute cleaning done or an uninterrupted shower. And when I stop in the mall to treat myself to my favorite coffee and decide to give you those mini-donuts because you basically NEED them, well darn it, I cave and give you them. Because sometimes, it’s just easier to go with the flow then to try to be “the mom I swore to myself I would never be.”  I love you to pieces but some-days are HARD. Just HARD. And I know that it’s hard on you, too.

I know that you were thrown into the chaos of having a baby brother. I know that you weren’t quite ready to share mommy or daddy’s time. You weren’t too sure what was happening, but I believe that you have adapted to your Bubba in the best possible way. When he was still in my belly, you would rub and blow raspberries on my tummy and giggle. We would talk about “baby” everyday and you caught on that “shhh” means “baby is sleeping.”  The day you visited us in the hospital to meet your brother, it was like you knew all along that he was arriving and what all of this meant. You help out with him all of the time; whether it be holding his bottle, giving him his binkie, or simply rubbing his head to calm him down, YOU ARE THE BEST big brother! But then there are those not-so-great days when you don’t want to share your toys and you don’t understand why mommy has to hold Bubba a little bit longer or why he now gets to sit in your big-boy highchair and play with your toys {which are now his toys as well}. This is all hard for you, but sweetie, it’s hard on me, too. I wish I could explain to you just how much I love both you and your brother; how I would do anything in the world for the both of you. I try my best for you to understand that my heart is big enough to love the both of you…and a million times over. 

We have made a huge move all the way across the world, and this is something you have struggled with. We ripped you away from the environment that you have grown comfortable with, and you no longer see family members that you have come to love. We just left one day on an airplane and since then, bounced around from a hotel to our now, home. Your bed isn’t here yet, neither are your toys, so I can’t imagine what is going on in your little head. You are afraid now when mommy or daddy leave the room. You cry out for me in the middle of the night, and I have to comfort you back to sleep. I know this is because we are in this new place and so many changes have happened for you so quickly. You have clung to your brother and love on him more than ever. You are still just so sweet despite your sour exterior and stubbornness and I only love you more for it.

If you were to read this one day, I know that you won’t remember these moments that have been challenging for all of us. We are all going through this together and learning from each-other. We love you & we try the best we can to be the parents that you deserve to have. It’s hard, but you are worth it. <3

If I am learning anything during these difficult moments of parenting, it’s that these phases are just that…. phases. It won’t last forever. They won’t be small for very much longer. I won’t get yesterday back. It’s sad for me to think about. I won’t get all of these frustrating and hair-pulling moments back. Everyday, my babies are one day older and I feel like they are slipping away from me…even though they are still so little. I feel so guilty sometimes; for wishing away bad days and praying for a moment of quiet so I could collect my thoughts {and sanity}. I try hard to be a good Mom, but I know that I fail on occasion. It’s tough. It will only get tougher. But, my boys are worth it. So. Worth. It.


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