This was fun but…can I hand in my mom card now?

I’m going to be very honest in this post & let it all out.

I’m failing as a mom. There, I said it.

This week has left me broken. I’m at the end of my rope & I don’t know what to do. My boys, whom I love dearly, are leaving me burnt out. My toddler, who is a very sweet & kind soul, is leaving me doubting whether or not I’m doing this mom-thing the right way. I feel like I’ve lost my way with him. I don’t know how to handle his tantrums, his outbursts, or his demands. I feel so annoyed at every little thing he does and jeez…doesn’t that make me sound terrible? But I’m being completely honest right now so pardon me because I don’t believe that there’s ANY parent out there that doesn’t get slightly annoyed or frustrated at their children from time to time. And if you tell me otherwise, well quit blowing smoke up my butt. Anyway, my toddler…. he’s a lovable child but he’s grown insanely jealous lately. He will rip toys away from his baby brother and go up to him and pull his hair for no reason. He will scream when he doesn’t get his way. Yes, these are all toddler-like behaviors but good lordy I was not prepared for it. And he doesn’t sleep. I dread the night-time routine because it feels like a literal torture-sentence having to deal with his little routine quirks – (he needs fresh toothpaste applied to his toothbrush twice and needs two books read…then he needs this night light on…. and this pillow here..now he doesn’t want THAT pillow, he wants the other one…. but wait..he doesn’t want this blanket on but now he does….) And then it takes negotiating and reassurance for me to be able to leave his room so he can go to sleep. Most nights, he will scream and lately I’ve found that Ricky coming up to calm him down really works. And he doesn’t sleep through the night anymore. He wakes up and finds his way into our bed… which is nice until he’s laying on top of me and my legs are numb so I move him over but he wakes up and screams for me to lay a certain way. It’s all very exhausting. He’s extremely needy for me and while it may sound like that’s not such a bad thing, I have to say that a person has their limit on how much they can be touched/climbed on/hanged on during the day. You can say that I’m lucky or blessed or maybe say that I’m ungrateful…and I can’t deny any of that. It’s just hard for me right now and very draining.

There have been days, especially this week, where I’ve lost my patience way too quick; where my voice was raised a little too loud; where I’ve needed to walk away because it was just too much. These days get to me….because at the end of the day, I’m sitting on the couch, kids in bed, and thinking to myself: thank god we just all survived today. we just made it through this day. And I know, oh do I know, that I was just barely skimming the surface at being a mom today. That I met just the minimum requirements of being emotionally there for my kids. I half-assed it. I kept the kids alive & that was it…but it was a freaking marathon. I absolutely believe that my boys deserve the world, and then some, yet every-day, I feel like I’m failing them.

For me, being there is just simply not enough. I want to give them everything I have and the whole nine-yards but most days, I’m just exhausted. And I’m not talking about physically exhausted because obviously two small kids will drain a person; I’m talking about emotionally & mentally exhausted. I’m suffering from PPD and every day is a literal struggle. I struggle to get out of bed every morning. I struggle to make my kids meals. I struggle to get outside to play with them or go on a walk. I struggle to sit on the floor with them & play. I struggle with finding the every-day joys of life. It’s really hard. It sucks. It isn’t fair….but it’s what I have to deal with. I’m struggling with depression & yes, my kids are very much getting the brunt of it. It’s totally not fair to them. Yes, they deserve a mom that is perky, enthused and patient. My husband also deserves a wife that is those things as well. I live with this every-day and the guilt is gut-wrenching. It’s a never-ending turmoil & I feel like I’ll never be better…be good enough.

I completely believe that my depression affects my kids but especially Beaux. I believe that he can sense my feelings and perhaps that plays a big impact on his own emotions/why he acts out. And I have no idea how to make it better. I’m taking the medication, I’m going to the therapist. I have my good days and I have my bad days. I was on the up & up for a while there, but in recent weeks, I’ve been battling the depression HARD. It’s funny because it just doesn’t go away….even on my best days, my depression is peeking around the corner at me, reminding me that life can never be too good.

I love being a mom and I can’t stress it enough how much I love my boys. But it’s hard. SO SO SO OOOOOO hard. I don’t have a village. I live in another country, 1,000+ miles away from any family. I have a handful of friends here that are very helpful & supportive, but I have a huge problem with asking for help when I need it the most (and feeling guilty for throwing my kids onto other people.) Being a mom was so much easier after my first was born. Sure, there were many sleepless nights and breastfeeding woes, but it was just….easy. I could bask in newborn cuddles all day long. I could dress him in the cutest, matching baby clothes and take pictures of him all day long. It was easy. And I thought (at the time) that it was hard. I LOVED being a mother back then. I felt like I gave my 110% every single day. Why is it so hard for me now?

Will it get easier?

Many tell me yes yet, many tell me no. I guess that’s just the life of being a parent.

 

I wouldn’t trade my life with anyone. I know how fortunate I am. I have many things to be happy for. This was a hard week, as I’m sure you can understand. We all feel defeated from time to time and believe that it will never get better. Here’s to hoping that tomorrow is better & sunnier.

Stay happy, my friends. <3

My First Born: I’m Sorry That It’s Hard

There are things in life that you can never really be prepared for. In this blog post, I talk about exactly that…..

We now have a full-blown toddler in the house.

I wasn’t prepared for this shit.

 My oldest has always been sweet, shy, and very sensitive. I feel like he has an old soul. He is kind and caring. So when our very sweet little boy woke up one morning and decided to turn the game plan around on us, well, it was hard.

I say it was hard because it takes the patience of 20 people to deal with that of a toddler. You constantly have to keep them entertained so they don’t get too bored and burn the house down. And you have to deal with the random outbursts and constant tantrums because they don’t want mac and cheese for lunch {but now they DO want mac and cheese for lunch}, and deal with the behavioral problems like biting and kicking. It’s also extremely frustrating because these tiny people can’t quite express their emotions…. it’s all new to them! They also can’t verbally communicate that well yet, so telling you what they need/want becomes a challenge. And then there’s the sudden want of independence….toddlers just want to do EVERYTHING on their own.. and THEIR way. I won’t say that it’s necessarily a bad thing…but you try being in a hurry to get out the door and your toddler INSISTS on putting on his own jacket, socks and shoes. 🙂 …

It’s damn near exhausting. I’m exhausted.

So Beaux, I am writing this right now to tell you: I’m sorry it’s so hard.

I’m sorry that this is hard on you, but here is a secret: it is hard on me, too.

You are my first child so obviously I am experiencing all of this first-hand with you. I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing because believe it or not, they didn’t give me a how-to manual the day we brought you home.  Everything leading up to now has been fairly easy. You were a wonderful sleeper, eater, not too fussy, decent traveler, easy to entertain….yeah, it was okay! But my love, I’m afraid that the game-plan has been turned around and now all those things I listed are the opposite, and this has made me pretty darn tired.

I’m so tired that some mornings when you wake up at 5:30 AM and your brother is still sleeping, I give you the iPad so you can be entertained and so that I could catch a maybe 30-minute nap. And on the days where I’m out of all the ideas on how to keep you amused, I turn on Daniel Tiger or Minions so I could get some quick 20-minute cleaning done or an uninterrupted shower. And when I stop in the mall to treat myself to my favorite coffee and decide to give you those mini-donuts because you basically NEED them, well darn it, I cave and give you them. Because sometimes, it’s just easier to go with the flow then to try to be “the mom I swore to myself I would never be.”  I love you to pieces but some-days are HARD. Just HARD. And I know that it’s hard on you, too.

I know that you were thrown into the chaos of having a baby brother. I know that you weren’t quite ready to share mommy or daddy’s time. You weren’t too sure what was happening, but I believe that you have adapted to your Bubba in the best possible way. When he was still in my belly, you would rub and blow raspberries on my tummy and giggle. We would talk about “baby” everyday and you caught on that “shhh” means “baby is sleeping.”  The day you visited us in the hospital to meet your brother, it was like you knew all along that he was arriving and what all of this meant. You help out with him all of the time; whether it be holding his bottle, giving him his binkie, or simply rubbing his head to calm him down, YOU ARE THE BEST big brother! But then there are those not-so-great days when you don’t want to share your toys and you don’t understand why mommy has to hold Bubba a little bit longer or why he now gets to sit in your big-boy highchair and play with your toys {which are now his toys as well}. This is all hard for you, but sweetie, it’s hard on me, too. I wish I could explain to you just how much I love both you and your brother; how I would do anything in the world for the both of you. I try my best for you to understand that my heart is big enough to love the both of you…and a million times over. 

We have made a huge move all the way across the world, and this is something you have struggled with. We ripped you away from the environment that you have grown comfortable with, and you no longer see family members that you have come to love. We just left one day on an airplane and since then, bounced around from a hotel to our now, home. Your bed isn’t here yet, neither are your toys, so I can’t imagine what is going on in your little head. You are afraid now when mommy or daddy leave the room. You cry out for me in the middle of the night, and I have to comfort you back to sleep. I know this is because we are in this new place and so many changes have happened for you so quickly. You have clung to your brother and love on him more than ever. You are still just so sweet despite your sour exterior and stubbornness and I only love you more for it.

If you were to read this one day, I know that you won’t remember these moments that have been challenging for all of us. We are all going through this together and learning from each-other. We love you & we try the best we can to be the parents that you deserve to have. It’s hard, but you are worth it. <3

If I am learning anything during these difficult moments of parenting, it’s that these phases are just that…. phases. It won’t last forever. They won’t be small for very much longer. I won’t get yesterday back. It’s sad for me to think about. I won’t get all of these frustrating and hair-pulling moments back. Everyday, my babies are one day older and I feel like they are slipping away from me…even though they are still so little. I feel so guilty sometimes; for wishing away bad days and praying for a moment of quiet so I could collect my thoughts {and sanity}. I try hard to be a good Mom, but I know that I fail on occasion. It’s tough. It will only get tougher. But, my boys are worth it. So. Worth. It.

 

On The Days When I Need A Break

On the days when I need a break…give me a hug. Tell me I’m doing the best that I can.


On the days when I need a break from being a mommy…hand me a glass of wine and run me a bubble bath.


On the days when our son is being so bold and I want to rip my hair out….remind me that he won’t stay this little forever.


On the days when the house is a mess and the sink is full of dishes….remind me that some people don’t have that luxury.


On the days when I fight with my husband and get annoyed at him….remind me how bickering is completely healthy in a marriage.


On the days when I feel ugly…remind me that beauty  is way more than skin deep.


On the days when I’m so tired from staying up with a cranky, teething baby…remind me how some women, would give anything to be in that position. And give me coffee.


On the days when I just can’t keep up with the endless laundry…remind me how fortunate I am to have clothes and loved ones to care for.


On the days when I feel like a bad mom…remind me that my little boy is happy.


On the days when I feel like I should be doing something different…remind me that my son is healthy.


On the days when I don’t feel important or appreciated…tell me that I am.

On the days when I blame myself….remind me not to live with regrets.

On the days when I simply feel defeated…lift me up.

On the days when I cry because I’m an emotional basket-case…offer your shoulder.

On the days when I just want to talk things through…listen.

On the days when I’m too exhausted to prepare a nice, healthy dinner…be content with frozen pizza.

On the days when I give you that look when you get home from work….offer a helping hand. And pour me a glass of wine.

On the days when I hate myself for still not losing all the baby weight…tell meI’m beautiful.

On the days when my patience is running paper thin…let me have a moment to myself.

On the days when I feel like I can’t win for losing…tell me that tomorrow is another day.


On the days when I cry because my son is growing up too fast….remind me to give him one more kiss.



These days happen often. It doesn’t make us a bad person, because moments simply don’t defy us. It’s a bad day, not a bad life.

I Hugged My Son A Little Tighter Today

I hugged my son a little tighter today.

I’m not naive about the world around me. I know that awful things happen to good people. I know that not everything can always be in my (or my husband’s) control. I know that life can be so sweet and happy one minute, and turn ugly and painful the next. I know this, because I’m seeing it all around. Unfortunately, other people’s tragedies and heartbreaks are my reasons for giving my son extra kisses and extra hugs. To snuggle with him a little longer. To make silly faces and play peek-a-boo just so I could see his toothless smile and hear his cute little giggle. To cherish every milestone, every moment; and to remember that his bad phases are not forever. I hugged my son a little tighter today for my own selfish reasons. Because he’s my baby, and growing up so fast. I’ll cuddle him for nap time. I’ll hold him when he’s upset. I’ll read that story for the fifth time. I don’t want to look back and regret not doing these things. 




I hugged my son a little tighter today in honor of all the mommas that heartbreakingly will never get the chance to again. I grieve for them- I hope they can all find some form of comfort. No parent should have to bury their child, their baby. It’s such an unfathomable concept I never want to deal with. I hugged my son a little tighter today because one day, he won’t be my 18 pound little baby anymore. In a few short years, we will send him off to kindergarten with an over-sized backpack and lunchbox in hand. And while he will be excited to be a big boy and venture off to school, I will cry and wonder where the time went to. It will be an exciting new chapter, but deep down, I can’t help but worry;  these days, public schools aren’t even a safe haven since the tragedies of Columbine and Sandy Hook. Isn’t it so sad how these places we felt comfort in going to as kids, has turned into the unknown for the next generation? There shouldn’t be a need for metal detectors and armed guards at elementary schools. As parents, we should feel comfort when our children aren’t with us and believe that they are safe. I should be able to let my son play freely outside, or walk to the bus stop alone. But, it’s a different world anymore. There are so many terrible people that hurt children, and I just don’t understand it. I look into my son’s eyes and wonder how people can hurt something so innocent. I just want to protect him forever. I want to keep him safe from harm..to keep him safe from this cruel world.

And then, there are events that can spiral out of our control. One thing I’ve learned since being a mom is accidents happen. We aren’t perfect people. We try our hardest to do what we believe is best. We can follow the rules and still get the shitty end of the stick. We may believe that our families and loved ones are invincible from tragedy-bad things can never happen to us- so when we see a terrible and unthinkable event occur, we judge. We need so much less judgement and more understanding. This world could use a lot more empathy.

I hugged my son a little tighter today. Before I became a mom, I didn’t have this other little life to worry over. Now, stories in the media shake me to the core. All I can think about is, it can happen to us. so I hug my son. It’s a scary thought knowing that this life is unpredictable-anything can happen in the blink of an eye.

So if your a momma, hug your beautiful baby(ies). Hold ’em tight. Tell them that you love them-for every single moment that passes- you will never get back.